I’m not sure how I should be feeling about the things said between me and my husband. I swing between feeling confused, enraged, ambivalent, distressed, sad, angry, frustrated, upset, embarrassed and depressed. We are both near retirement age, have been married for fourteen years – estranged for about ten. I’m worn out. I don’t know whether I love him anymore or whether he loves me. He claims he does, but then talks to me with contempt and I feel confused. I care about him, but I am confused as to why we are still together. I think he feels more or less the same as I do. One minute I feel, with absolute certainty, that my desire to divorce him is the right one, but when I catch sight of the man I used to love, I cling to this glimmer of hope. I have lived with this hope for most of our marriage.

My husband is not a bad person. Mostly, my angst is caused by his inability to relate to me, to empathise, to listen, to see me, to understand me, to know me – these are the things I hope for. I want him to be ‘present’ and share his world with mine. It’s as if I’m leading an invisible, parallel life – a life he refuses to see. I think I’ve been going through a crisis of confidence for about a year or maybe four. I’ve been feeling pretty low and abandoned by him. I’ve consciously refused to accompany him at times, because I can’t bear the hypocrisy of pretending anymore – I don’t feel like I’m living an authentic life.

Following a recent row, he revealed that he sees me as someone who is judgmental of others, that I take unwarranted umbrage to all and sundry, that I am self-sabotaging my relationships with people and now with him - that if only I would stop being like this, then we would be happy.

Over the years, I have examined myself and in particular, whether his view of me is accurate. While I have come home and moaned to him on occasion (as most people do), he has blown up these few instances disproportionately and I feel judged. I feel humiliated by him. I don’t recognise myself as the person he is describing. I don’t feel he supports me emotionally, in fact, I think it makes him very uncomfortable. I am emotionally supportive of him or at least, I was, but he doesn’t share enough of his life, thoughts and feelings for me to feel connected to him anymore. He wants me to change. I feel he wants to whitewash me with a big paintbrush and blank out the complexity and richness of sharing emotions, thoughts, desires, hopes, fears and dreams. I feel devastated frankly. We have been to couples counselling a few times and I’ve also been on my own. We both want the other to change, but it seems neither of us can meet the other’s criteria for having a relationship.

But if you haven’t yet confirmed (but do suspect) that your spouse or partner has a gambling addiction, look carefully at his or her behavior patterns for signs that gambling has become more than just a casual occurrence. Compulsive lying is one of the symptoms of compulsive or pathological gamblers. Annual profits for the gambling industry in the United States are around $40 billion. For those who fill an emotional need or seek euphoria through gambling, a lot of help is necessary to overcome the driving need to gamble. Helping a true gambling addict to recognize they have a severe problem is the first step.

I’m sorry for the long email. I’m sure you get lots like this.

Ammanda says…

Yes, I receive many emails just like yours. All of them mirror much of the pain you’re describing for you and your husband. From what you say, it looks like you’ve both reached such an impasse that neither of you has the energy or even the inclination to see what could be different between you. Instead, you’re both looking at the other and hoping that something will happen to change the truly miserable experience that appears to be your marriage. Like lots of people, you know what the problem is and have ideas about the solution – but actually making the changes needed is the tricky bit. However, the short answer is, you have to stop waiting for the other one to make the first move.

I think that you’re seeking a soulmate, for want of a better description, someone who will just know who you are, what you need and basically supply it. I think, too, that he’s looking for the same thing, albeit through a slightly different lens. That’s not surprising. Most of us want to feel supported, loved, cared for and important to our other half, but we usually need to experience it in a way that we can recognise. Clearly, that’s not happening here. As a result, the means of communication you’ve both adopted is one of blame, counter-blame and humiliation.

There’s a sense, too, that your husband is saying that it’s you that needs to change and has conveniently listed your apparent failings. Well, I have news for your husband. Although you may indeed be critical sometimes or moan about the people at work (I’ve no idea whether this is the case or not), like any other human being, you also crave love, affection and sharing. It looks to me as if what’s being said here is that you need to sort yourself out before any of the good stuff can come your way. If that is indeed his approach, then he needs to accept that this approach rarely works. He is effectively treating you like a naughty child and as an adult woman, that’s really not on. Likewise, you also have a very long list of the things you want to change in him. But you too, have to remember that he is only human and having all of what you seek from him would be a very tall order for anyone to meet. As a relationship counsellor, I see many couples who are essentially saying to each other ‘I want you to be perfect for me’. They don’t actually use those words, but that’s what they mean. Waiting for a partner to become perfect usually entails quite some time and I think you and your husband are now essentially waiting for the other to make the first move. That’s the first thing that needs to change.

The bottom line here is that I suspect neither of you can completely meet each other’s needs, so some compromise is required. Of course, the thing about compromise is that it can’t all fall to just one person. That means that you each need to step forward and meet each other half way – even a tenth of the way would be a start. So, how do you do this?

The first thing to do is to recognise that this is about both of you. You’re each occupying your own corner at the moment and somehow you have to find a way to start sitting together. The second thing to do is re-engage with couple counselling. I know you’ve tried this route before, seemingly without a good outcome. I’ve no idea why this might have been, but I would strongly recommend that you try again. It’s certainly true that sometimes people have to find the right counsellor at the right time. Maybe it’s your time now. For me, one of the most striking features of your letter is the underlying hope, despite everything, that you could have a future together. Perhaps you’re both yearning to see through all the bitterness, disappointment and sadness and find the person you married. It’s not for me to say whether either of those two people are still around. Maybe you’ve both changed and it really is the end of the road for your marriage. But I’d say this. If it’s going to work, you may both have to be more realistic and generally kinder to each other – probably in that order. I’m wondering if what’s keeping you so stuck is that now, you’ve reached the point where you now assume exactly what the other is going say and therefore stopped listening. Couple counselling can be very helpful in getting new dialogues going. It can also help with ending relationships with the least trauma and maybe this would actually be the best route. So get some more professional help, but make sure the person you see is actually trained in couple work.

Finally, you tell me your marriage is ‘barren’. That phrase always suggests to me that there’s a complete indifference about the other person. But actually, if you think about it, all the mass of painful feelings, raised hopes and dashed expectations you describe suggests that you may each remain heavily invested in this relationship and the prospect of full-time retirement may be putting an even sharper focus on what’s missing. It’s often a time in our lives when we take stock and ask the rather daunting question ‘is this really it for the rest of my life’. So, whatever happens for you, make sure you move in one direction or another. We’re all living longer, but being profoundly unhappy can make it seem like an eternity.

Ammanda Major is a Relationship Counsellor and Sex Therapist and Head of Clinical Practice at Relate.

If you have a relationship worry you would like some help with, please send it to askammanda@relate.org.uk* All communications will maintain anonymity and confidentiality.

*Ammanda is not able to reply individually to every email we receive, so please see our relationship help pages for further support.

10 Common Lies Compulsive Gamblers Tell

If you’re living with a compulsive gambler, you’re already familiar with the never-ending cycle of lies, half-truths, and deliberate distortion of facts. But if you haven’t yet confirmed (but do suspect) that your spouse or partner has a gambling addiction, look carefully at his or her behavior patterns for signs that gambling has become more than just a casual occurrence. Compulsive lying is one of the symptoms of compulsive or pathological gamblers. These gamblers are addicted to gambling, and lying becomes second nature to them. What are some of the common lies compulsive gamblers tell? Read on.

#1: I don’t have a gambling problem.

Anyone who flat-out denies they have a gambling problem, despite evidence to the contrary, is either well on their way to full-blown gambling addiction or is already there. By the time someone is deep into gambling, their behavior becomes consistent and predictable. They will do anything and say anything to get to their primary goal: gambling. That they stretch the truth or tell outright lies is an understatement. Gambling addicts, even after disastrous losses, bankruptcy and financial ruin, legal problems, deteriorating family and personal relationships, will often steadfastly maintain that they don’t have a gambling problem.

Denial is a coping mechanism the compulsive gambler uses to attempt to mask his or her problem. By hoping to keep the truth from coming out, the gambler tries to buy time – time he or she uses to keep on gambling. Thus, there’s self-denial and denial to others. Both types of denial are symptoms of many kinds of addiction, not just gambling addiction. The more a person swears they don’t have a problem – gambling or alcohol or drugs or other addictive behavior – the more likely it is that they do.

Lie #2: I can stop anytime I want.

Confronting a compulsive gambler – calling him or her on the indisputable facts that indicate gambling has become an addictive behavior – will usually generate this kind of lie in response. The gambler cannot admit to you or him/her self that there’s a problem, number one, and, number two, if that doesn’t work, he or she will profess vehemently that stopping is no problem. To prove it, the compulsive gambler may even stay away from the casino, sports book, Internet gaming, or track for a short period of time.

But the lure of cashing in on the big score, snagging the elusive prize is too great. Before long, the compulsive gambler is right back at it. He or she simply cannot resist the temptation. The urge to gamble has become a craving that gnaws incessantly on the consciousness. To ignore the craving is to suffer – and the compulsive gambler only wants the high that comes from gambling.

Lie #3: My gambling doesn’t hurt anyone.

Most addicts believe – some, even sincerely – that their addiction doesn’t hurt anyone. Some even believe their addiction doesn’t even hurt them. It’s just as true with compulsive gambling as addiction to alcohol, illicit drugs, prescription drugs used nonmedically, or other addictive behavior including compulsive sex, overwork, eating disorders, and so on. In fact, gambling addiction, like all addictions, is considered a family disease/disorder. What happens when one individual in the family is addicted impacts all members of the family.

What kinds of harm does this potentially involve? Depending on the length of time the individual has been gambling, and the other addictions the person may also have, the damage may be extensive. Compulsive gamblers often are addicted to alcohol, nicotine, or other harmful substances. This can result in physical deterioration to the addict as well as mental and emotional difficulties: cognitive impairment, difficulty concentrating, loss of memory, explosive rage, extreme mood swings, depression, psychosis, and thoughts of suicide, among others.

Dealing with the effects of gambling addiction, the family suffers right along with the gambler. As gambling takes up more and more of the individual’s life, taking care of family responsibilities becomes less important. Many gamblers lose their home, go bankrupt, get arrested for various crimes (embezzlement, fraud, theft, violence, DUIs, etc.), lose their job or source of income, become violent and abusive to family members, lose their families. As a unit, the family often disintegrates. In fact, without treatment, compulsive gambling is a downward spiral that has, at its final stage, a predictable outcome for the individual: prison, commitment to a mental institution, or death.

Lie #4: I didn’t go gambling.

Meeting the gambler at the door and asking where he or she was is like asking for the inevitable lie: I didn’t go gambling. What else can the compulsive gambler say? Admitting that he or she went gambling is tantamount to admitting loss of control, an inability to set and keep boundaries, and a refusal to keep a promise. If there’s the smell of alcohol and the individual reeks of cigarette smoke or there are other telltale signs of substance use – and you know the person has a history of gambling – hearing the denial will only add fuel to the fire.

You know it’s an outright lie. Confrontation isn’t the way to deal with it. At least, it’s not the solution right now. You need to pick your time for the discussion, and it needs to be when the compulsive gambler is rational, calm, and able to carry on a conversation about the situation in a normal manner.

How Do I Know If My Partner Has A Gambling Problem

Lie #5: I have my gambling under control.

If you are the partner or spouse who relies on the compulsive gambler to take care of the bills and other financial responsibilities in the household, you may be tempted to believe this lie. He or she has unrestricted access to the checking and savings accounts, credit cards, lines of credit and other avenues. If, on the other hand, you are the one who controls the purse strings, so to speak, and you constantly give in to the requests for money, you are enabling the compulsive gambler to continue with his or her addictive behavior. You are complicit, codependent, and have just magnified the problem by making it easier for the compulsive gambler to continue.

When someone says they have their gambling under control, they are lying not only to you but also to themselves. A person who only buys a Lotto ticket once in a while will never make this statement. Someone who goes to the track daily, or can’t go by the casino without going in and gambling for hours, maxing out the ATM withdrawals, badgering friends for cash, is very likely to utter these words – and probably more than just a few times. After a while, they just aren’t believable anymore. And the evidence will mount to prove just how big a lie it is.

Lie #6: I didn’t touch our savings.

Desperation sets in the longer the compulsive gambler engages in the addictive behavior. Why is this? While the gambler may initially (in the early stages of gambling behavior) have some wins, the odds are literally stacked against him or her. Sooner or later, the house always wins. It doesn’t matter if the form of gambling is at an actual casino, or sports betting, or Internet gaming, the gambler’s luck eventually runs out.

But the gambler is convinced it’s only a temporary setback. If he or she just keeps gambling, the luck will return. There’s always the big score, the huge payout, just around the corner. All that’s needed is the infusion of cash.

Where to get the cash? Gamblers will rob savings accounts, jockey funds back and forth, hide the passbook or bank statements, and delay the inevitable – all in the futile attempt to keep you from the truth. If you hear your partner or spouse say he or she didn’t touch your savings, you’d better check it out with the bank yourself. Chances are this is just another lie the compulsive gambler tells you.

Lie #7: You won’t believe what happened…

The more deep in debt the compulsive gambler gets – and there’s no way around the fact that this will occur – the more elaborate and exaggerated the lies and stories he or she begins to concoct. There’ll be the robbery that occurred as he or she was depositing money in the bank – and now everything’s gone. Or someone stole his or her wallet and now the credit cards are gone. There may have been an unbelievable investment opportunity and it had a limited window, so he or she had to jump in now or lose the chance… All this and more will come out of the compulsive gambler’s mouth as a way to explain what happened to your money.

If you hear the words: You won’t believe what happened… don’t believe it. No matter how convincing it sounds, it’s likely a lie.

Lie #8: My friend was in trouble and needed money.

This lie is an evergreen one that almost every compulsive gambler uses on more than one occasion. In fact, it’s so common that it’s nearly predictable that you will hear it sooner or later. Certainly there are times when your spouse or partner’s friends may be in trouble. Who doesn’t have such an experience? But when your partner is a compulsive gambler, you have reason to be suspicious. Naturally, you want to give someone you care about the benefit of the doubt, but after falling for this lie time and time again, you’re again only enabling the addictive behavior to continue.

The story about a friend being in trouble and needing money fast also falls into the lie category of you won’t believe what happened. Elaborate, exaggerated, and preposterous stories – all lies – are part and parcel of the compulsive gambler’s repertoire.

Lie #9: You can trust me now.

Trust is a fragile thing. Once you lose trust in another individual, it’s very hard to ever trust that person again. The closer you are to the person, especially if you are married or live with him or her, the more difficult it is to re-establish trust once it’s lost.

Compulsive gamblers need to be able to continue their addictive behavior. In order to do that, they either have to have a complicit or codependent partner, or they have to convince whomever they need to in order to continue to gain access to cash. Friends will eventually see through the lies and refuse to lend any more money to the gambler. After all, this money is rarely, if ever, repaid. They know it’s going for gambling, despite the lies the gambler tells. They gradually avoid the gambler, refusing to take his or her calls, quickly finding an excuse to leave if approached. There’s no trust there now.

But when you live with the compulsive gambler, have a relationship that’s lasted for some period of time, even have children with the gambler – you have a vested interest in maintaining the relationship. You obviously care for (or have cared for) the person. Your heart breaks over what’s been happening as your loved one slides deeper into gambling addiction. Time and time again, you’ve given in and accepted the lies. You’ve told yourself that it’s only a phase, or it’s not that bad, or he or she will outgrow it. Who’s lying to whom now?

Trust is earned through action. Trust is not gained through words. If your partner or spouse says you can trust him or her now, say that it will take time and action – getting treatment, quitting gambling – for you to again be able to place your trust in him/her.

Lie #10: I’ll never gamble again.

The compulsive gambler will tell you what you want to hear – even though it’s a lie. Usually, when you hear the person swear that he or she will never gamble again, it’s after a particularly disastrous loss, arrest, legal entanglement, loss of a job, or other serious consequence.

Instead of letting the lie go unchallenged, you will need to take a stand. Will you continue to put up with this addiction? What are your options? Only you can decide how you will handle your spouse or partner’s gambling addiction. While you certainly can’t force someone else – even one you love dearly – to quit gambling, you can decide how you are going to live your own life. You need to tell this individual how his or her gambling has hurt you and the family, how much you care about the person and want him/her to get help to overcome this situation. You can choose not to involve yourself in his/her behavior. No more lying to friends, family, employer or others about your partner’s gambling. No more excuses. No more looking the other way when the signs and consequences of mounting gambling debt are all around you.

If and when your spouse or partner is ready to admit to the problem and genuinely wants to get treatment to overcome gambling addiction, then you may begin to see a glimmer of hope on the horizon. The words alone shouldn’t convince you. In order for them to have meaning, they need to be backed up by action. Your spouse/partner needs to go into treatment.

You can help by looking into available treatment facilities, either residential treatment facility for gambling addiction or outpatient treatment facilities. Remember that the gambling addict has to want to change in order for change to have a chance. He or she will need professional help in order to overcome his/her addiction. With treatment, not only will the addict learn about the disease of addiction, but he or she will also learn how to avoid triggers and learn and practice coping behaviors to prevent relapse. Part of the gambling addiction treatment process will be to identify the underlying reasons why compulsive gambling is so attractive and to work on overcoming those urges.

If the gambler is adamant about not getting treatment but still maintains he or she will never gamble again, there’s nothing you can do about it – for him or her. But there is something you can do for you. Attend Gam-Anon meetings. These are 12-step fellowship groups whose purpose is to help those family members and friends of gambling addicts cope with the situation. You cannot change the gambler, but you can change how you interact with the gambler and change your behaviors so that you are not enabling the gambling to continue.

What To Do When Your Partner Has A Gambling Problem

Bottom line: When you’ve had enough of the lies, you must make a choice. If you set limits, be sure that you’re willing to enforce them. Don’t make a statement that you’re not able to back up. If you say that you will leave the compulsive gambler if he/she doesn’t get help, you’d better be ready to go through with it. Again, what you do is very much your choice. But you don’t have to try to wade through the emotional minefield on your own. Get help and support from others in your situation.

My Partner Has A Gambling Problem At A

Will the lies ever stop? The good news is that gambling addiction is treatable. If your spouse or partner seeks and completes treatment and attends 12-step meetings (such as Gamblers Anonymous) in recovery, with your support and encouragement (and your own Gam-Anon meeting attendance), there’s a very good possibility that compulsive lies – and compulsive gambling – will become a thing of the past.